My feelings are scattered ALL over the place.
I cannot recall ever having felt so completely… polar… in my emotions. Even when I was sitting on the fence about getting married, driving me and Donnie insane with my total wishy-washy-ness, I didn’t feel this up-and-down about everything.
One minute I have butterflies and am excited like a little kid anticipating Christmas. The next, I’m choking back tears because the thought of leaving my kids for so many weeks just slays me.
There’s practically no time between the extremes so I feel totally torn all day long.
I was riding home tonight and this fun song came on the radio, and I thought about dancing with Pearl and goofing off and getting to know her and I was smiling so wide!
Then I thought about my four-year-old pleading with me, with his huge, liquid blue eyes, “But I WANT to go with you to Buganda!” (That is what he calls it.) And then his wails of “NO!” when I replied, “Maybe next time, baby….but this time, you have to stay home.” I thought about how many times a day he cuddles with me, and how he throws his leg over my hip when he’s sleeping and how I can stop his tears faster than anyone when he’s upset. I thought about the way my older boys make me laugh, and my middle child’s witty quips and my oldest son’s big bear hugs and I don’t want to leave any of that, ever. At all.
I don’t want to be without any member of my family, but to get the one that’s missing, I have to leave the others and it’s about eight-gazillion times harder than I thought it would be.
For a while now, I’ve felt like I sent a big chunk of my heart 8,000 miles away. Now I’m going to go reclaim that part, while leaving another chunk of my heart behind, here at home.
(It sure is going to feel great, come spring, when I get to come home and knit the messy ol’ thing back together again!)
I asked my husband tonight, “How did you deploy? I mean seriously, HOW did you do this? How were you able leave us for so long?”
He said, “It was hard. But you just push it out of your mind. You don’t let yourself think about how much you love and miss everyone. It comes out, sometimes, the painful part. But you push it back and keep on, doing what you have to do. And you just keep focusing on the happy ending.” For over a year in Iraq, he did that. It’s really silly and kind of embarrassing to think that I’m whining about having to do it for a month or two.
I am a total, complete wimp!
Except, I’m not.
I know I’m not.
I know I’m stronger than this.
I know I don’t have to be afraid. If God is for me, who can be against me?
I know that He loves ALL my children more than I can ever imagine and He will keep them safe. I kid myself if I think my being here physically trumps His hand of care.
I know that I am His child and He will keep ME safe, too.
I know that even when I hurt, He is there. (Maybe especially then…)
Like my sweet husband said, I just have to focus on the happy ending. Because even with all the ups and downs, and swallowed-back tears, and nervous butterflies and breaking hearts, I know that He’s prepared for us an ending that is good and right and worthy of all we’re going through or will endure.
I honestly don’t doubt it for a moment: All will be right in the end.